"Conflict Resolution" Breakout Session (SBTC Round-Up Conference)

“Leading Conflict Resolution”

Hey y’all! If I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you before this, my name is Purshia Gambles, and I’m on staff for a church in Austin called The Austin Stone as one of our congregation’s Equipping and Women’s Ministry Directors. Today, I have the awesome gift of talking with y’all about leading your students and student leaders in conflict resolution. YAY! In my 7-ish years of ministry, discipleship and being used by God to develop leaders for the great commission, conflict resolution is one of the most important facets of growth and maturation that a Christian can grow in.

My goal specifically in the next hour is to help you help your students. Rooted in their identity as blood-bought sons and daughters, this session will help you lead them in becoming better ambassadors of reconciliation in whatever spheres of influence or service your students find conflict within. But before any of that, let me pray for us.

Dear Father, We love you. You tore down the wall of hostility between us and you through your Son, in order than we may also see redemptive harmony through the gospel with one another. Holy Spirit, would you continue in being active and vocal in this time, bringing about helpful questions and productive discussion. Would each of these minsters be helped during our time together and would they be blessed to be a blessing to the young leaders in their midsts. Conflict is hard, Lord. You know this. But keep us keenly aware of its end result if done right: peace. Let what is helpful to these men and women be kept and remembered and re-used. Let what is not helpful or honoring to you be muted in their minds and heart, and ultimately forgotten. Again, we love you, Lord. But I’m held fast by the fact that you love us so much more. These things we pray in your Son’s name, Amen.

Alright! Quick discussion time! Take a few minutes to answer this question....

“How did your 21-year-old self handle conflict? Directly, Indirectly, or not at all?”

*Give Folks 2-3 mins*

Now answer this question...

“How do you handle conflict now? How are these people different?”

*Give Folks 2-3 mins*

I wanna hear from a few folks! If you feel comfortable, can you share with us what God has used to get you from where you were in terms of conflict resolution to where you are now?

*Listen to what people say*

Great! Thank y’all for sharing! Sounds like there have been a lot of vehicles that have driven you to the destination of maturity in this area. AWESOME. I have a final rhetorical question for you: Have you ever thought of yourself as a vehicle for growth in this way?

Your students and leaders, no matter where they are in their leadership or in their level of maturity, ALWAYS have room to grow, and can ALWAYS reap from any and all things you’re learning presently, and reap the benefit of any dumb tax you may have paid in your past.

Now, I’m going to share what my “10 Pro-Tips of Leading Students in Conflict Resolution” and after that, I’ll open up the floor for any and all questions anyone has! Once we get through each of these, I’m pretty sure we will have quite a bit of time on the back for any and all specific questions about things going on in your ministry. Sound good? BLESS.

Up first...

Pray. Early. Often. Honestly. There are things in the grand canyon of God’s sovereignty that we do not have simply because we have not asked for them. This is true of anything but SPECIFICALLY true of wisdom, humility, emotional intelligence, courage, faith, empathy, etc. in conflict resolution. Next...

Make sure they are seeking to filter their feelings, thoughts, tensions through the sifter of the Scriptures. Ask questions regularly about how God’s Word is speaking to them about the current situation. For some, this is an opportunity to hear them preach the gospel to themselves. For others, its your chance to remind them that God is the one that guides all successful conflict resolution, so regular feeding on his word is VITAL for maturation and spiritual insight.

Don’t underestimate or overestimate the level of influence you have in your student’s lives. Be a loving, empathetic truth-teller to them.

Teaching self-awareness (can be near impossible because each of us is actually 3 people)

Remind them of the benefit of winsomely engaging in conflict resolution: Cruddy valley getting them to family mountain. The beautiful outcome of conflict resolution is peace. Don’t let the conflict-avoidant people confuse peace with quiet.

ASK THEM IF THEY’VE TALKED TO THE PERSON (Most students fail to actually do this). It will shock you how many times students seek to slide out of this because of passivity, fear, etc. Remind them of the biblical order of confronting someone in sin (Matt. 18:15-20)

Matthew 18:15–20 (ESV)

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Speak early and often (in what way feels honest) that it isn’t a manner of if they will encounter conflict as a leader, but when. This teaches us and our students to be sad when conflict is hits hard, but not shocked.

Don’t be afraid to call in re-enforcements (elders/deacons, usually). If the conflict has grown past your pay-grade (abuse of people or substances, harassment, disunity of the body, etc.) your church’s leadership are ready and waiting to help you.

Follow-up. It’s easy to feel like after one conversation about a time of conflict will fix them up and they will have that need conversation and then drive off into the sunset of spiritual maturity. BUT THIS IS NOT THE CASE MORE OFTEN THAN NOT. Your student will likely need some sort of accountability with actually DOING the hard thing of addressing conflict in a timely, mature, humble, direct manner.

At the end of the day, be well acquainted with the unfortunate truth that your students will likely still fail to have conflict in a healthy manner. Shocking, I know! They will fail, and so will you, so grace in this area is PIVOTAL. While writing this and preparing for this breakout, the Holy Spirit convicted me about some conversations I needed to have with some folks on my own staff team at my church. I hope this lends you some relatability in the journey of leading and loving your students. We never fully “arrive” so to speak. And, to quote the great philosopher, Detroit rapper, Big Sean, we can turn our L’s into lessons.

Okay those are all of my pro-tips! Now I’m gonna open up the floor for any questions we can answer or any troubleshooting we can do in the remaining time we have left (check the clock).